Happily married, but hardly intimate

Dear Annie: I'm 73, and my wife is 74. We've been married for 53 years and have never spent a night apart due to marital conflict. Admittedly, each of us may have spent a night or two on the couch, but my point here is that I think we're still happily married. The problem is that we've not been intimate for nearly 10 years. The closest we get is maybe a hug or peck on the cheek. Nothing else! When I attempt to discuss this issue with her, she only mentions her chronic urinary tract infections and blames me for not understanding how uncomfortable it is for her to have intercourse. If I suggest any other type of intimate relations — and believe me, I do it very tactfully — she finds a way to end the discussion. So, Annie, what do I do? I've decided that it requires too much work to pleasure myself. At 73, I can't concentrate without the participation of my partner. I don't want to hurt her, and I really do love her. I'd like to think I still look attractive to other eligible women of my age and stature, but I'm not looking to resolve the issue by seeking anything outside the framework of my marriage. Can you suggest other ways to resolve this? Old Rooster Dear Old Rooster: It's normal for physical intimacy to look different as we age, but it shouldn't disappear altogether. Your wife's UTIs are a valid obstacle, but using them as a reason to shut down all intimacy, not just sex, isn't fair to you either. Reframe the conversation. It's not just sex that you miss, but the connection, the closeness and the feeling of being wanted by her. Ask if she'd be willing to talk with her doctor about ways to manage her infections. Outside of intercourse, is she open to exploring alternate forms of intimacy with you? If she still won't budge, consider couples counseling to help the two of you work through it. After 53 years together, you've proven you two have what it takes to handle just about anything. You've been a loyal, patient partner and you deserve to feel loved and seen, far beyond the occasional peck on the cheek. Dear Annie: My wife and I visit our daughter, son-in-law and granddaughter two or three times a year for about three days each visit. It's a five- to six-hour drive for us. Both my wife and I have severe asthma primarily from cat allergies, and we struggle with wheezing and irritated eyes every time we visit. My SIL has cat allergies, too. Recently, their cat died (finally), and I urged my daughter to consider not getting another one. I explained our situation clearly, stating that if she did so, we'd have to stay at a hotel or B&B during future visits. She just got two more cats. What would you think? Allergic and Angry Dear Allergic: How your daughter and her husband balance having cats with his allergies is their business. But asking her not to get more pets simply for your sake isn't fair. Staying with them might be convenient, but that's only a handful of days each year. If having two cats brings her joy, she's free to have them, just as you're free to book a hotel, pack your inhalers and stock up on allergy meds. Win-win. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.