Navigating grief during the holidays

Grief can be difficult enough on its own. We're not able to anticipate how we'll feel following a loss or when we'll feel it. But navigating grief during the holidays can be especially challenging for many who have experienced loss. To cope with holiday grief, we might find ourselves pulling back from some of the festive traditions we once loved, or maybe we feel tempted to participate, but don't know how to balance celebrating with our grief. Each person's grief process and healing journey are different. Emotions can range from shock, disbelief, anger, guilt, and irritation to loneliness, anxiety, despair, and sadness. And because our mind and body are inseparable, the physical symptoms associated with grief are very real as well. Physical symptoms can include changes in appetite, sleeping problems, loss of energy, illness, and physical pain. Just as we all experience grief differently, we all heal differently, too. When we're grieving during the holidays, it is important to be mindful of our feelings and find what's right for us in each moment. Whatever kind of grief you are experiencing, we can't predict what thoughts, feelings, or sensations will arise at such an impossibly hard time. There may be moments of feeling numb, sadness may feel consuming, there could be waves of anger that come and go. Whatever arises, the pain will feel intense, and we might even wonder if we'll ever get through it and feel the same again. For some people, grief passes quickly; for others, it takes a long time. The truth is that when we lose somebody we really care about, we never really move past it. The loss, the void, the hole that is left becomes part of our life. It becomes part, and a really important part, of our own journey. We change and adapt to life without a particular person and eventually, we reach a point where we find a resting place in our hearts for the memories to reside; a place where we can learn to smile and be at peace with those memories. At whatever stage of the grieving process you are currently experiencing, you'll know how overwhelming thoughts, emotions, and memories can be. It might also feel like you are going through a unique sense of loss, but the thing about grief is that it's a universal experience, everyone goes through it, to varying degrees, at different times of their life. It's worth remembering that you are not alone, and we all emerge from the experience forever changed, in some way. Tips to help navigate the grieving process. Take care of yourself. Pay close attention to your health and take good care of yourself while grieving. It's important to take it easy and be gentle with yourself. Try to eat healthy foods and get enough rest. It may be a good idea to see your health care provider to ensure that all is well and to have added guidance during this difficult time. Give yourself grace. Some of what you're experiencing may include responses that may not feel socially acceptable. You might find that tears come easily in unexpected places, or at other moments you're not able to cry, the tears just won't come. You might feel so down or exhausted that you have trouble just getting out of bed. You might realize that the coping responses you've developed might not be the healthiest. This is all OK. The grieving process is unique to you, and it is a journey. However, be sure to reach out to family, friends or professional support if symptoms last for a significant period or begin to impact your daily functioning. Have a Plan A/Plan B. Plan A is you go to that holiday dinner with family and friends and if it doesn't feel right, have your plan B ready. Plan B may be watching a movie, or looking through a photo album, or going to a place that has special meaning. Many people find that when they have Plan B in place, just knowing it is there brings comfort and reduces feelings of anxiety during the holidays. Cancel the holiday altogether. Yes, this is OK to do. If you are going through the motions and feel nothing, cancel plans all together. Take a year off. The holidays will come around again and will always be there. For other people, staying involved with the holidays is a symbol of life continuing. Do what is best for you this season. Let the holiday routine give you a framework during these tough times and be sure to lean on your support system. Do's and Don'ts • Do be gentle with yourself and protect yourself. • Don't do more than you want, and don't do anything that does not serve your soul and your loss. • Do allow time for the feelings. • Don't keep feelings bottled up. If you have 500 tears to cry don't stop halfway through, let them all out. • Do allow others to help. We all need help at certain times in our lives. • Do, in grief, pay extra attention to the children. Children are too often the forgotten grievers. It is very natural to feel you may never enjoy this time of year again and that the holidays will never be the same. However, in time, most people are able to find healing and meaning again in the traditions as a new form of the holiday spirit grows inside of them. Rather than avoiding the feelings of grief, lean into them, acknowledge and feel each emotion as they come. It is not the grief you want to avoid, it is the pain. Grief is the way out of pain. Grief is our internal feelings and mourning is our external expressions. The important thing to remember is that you are a unique person. Honor your process and acknowledge that this is how you respond and are attempting to cope. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. Try to go at your own pace and know that you are not alone and you can and will get through the holidays. For more information on grief support groups, coping skills, stress management, and self-care resources, visit our website at www.hcbmhas.org Ashley Morrow is community engagement & resource manager for the Huron County Board of Mental Health and Addiction Services.