Grief and the holiday season

"The holidays are times spent with our loved ones." This thinking has been imprinted on our psyche from a young age. Holidays mark the passage of time in our lives, they are part of the milestones we share with each other, and they generally represent time we spend with family. But since holidays are generally time spent with those we love the most, how then can anyone be expected to cope with the holidays when a loved one has passed away? When we lose someone special, holidays often magnify that feeling of loss. The sadness deepens and the loneliness can feel isolating and the need for support may be the greatest during the holiday season. After experiencing the loss of a loved one, pretending you don't hurt or that it isn't a harder time of year is not a healthy way to cope with the reality of the loss and can even prolong grieving. It's important to remember that you can and will get through the holidays. Rather than avoiding the feelings of grief, lean into them. It is not the grief we want to avoid, it is the pain. However, as we grieve, we are setting ourselves up so that we can better navigate and manage the pain. Coping with Grief During the Holidays Grief is a universal, understandable, human response to loss, but how a person responds and processes the various emotions experienced and when those feelings will surface, will be different for everyone. The first step in coping with grief at the holidays is to acknowledge that the first holiday season is difficult.Acknowledging the difficulties of holidays after experiencing the loss of a loved one does not make the time any easier but preparing for the holidays by learning and utilizing helpful coping strategies may provide some much-needed help. Remember too, that sometimes anticipation of a holiday can be more difficult than the day itself. Tips for Coping with Grief During the Holiday Season • Acknowledge that the holidays will be different and hard. • Decide which traditions you want to keep and which traditions you want to change. • Create a new tradition in memory of your loved one. • Decide where you want to spend the holidays. You may want to switch up the location, or it may be of comfort to keep it the same. Either way, make a conscious decision about location. • Plan ahead and communicate with the people you will spend the holiday with in advance, to make sure everyone is in agreement about traditions and plans. • Remember that not everyone will be grieving the same way you are grieving. • Remember that the way others will want to spend the holiday may not match how you want to spend the holiday. • Put out a 'memory stocking', 'memory box', or another special place where you and others can write down memories you treasure. Pick a time to read them together. • Light a candle in your home in memory of the person you've lost. • Include one of your loved one's favorite dishes in your holiday meal. • Be honest. Tell people what you DO and DON'T want to do for the holidays. • Make a donation to a charity that was important to your loved one in their name. • Buy a gift you would have given to your loved one and donate it to a local charity. • If you are feeling really ambitious, adopt a family in memory of your loved one. This can often be done through a church, salvation army, or Goodwill. • See a counselor. Maybe you've been putting it off. The holidays are especially tough, so this may be the time to talk to someone. (see "Resources for Help" at the end of article) While Grieving, Remember... There really is no predictable timetable or pattern. While you may feel it on an emotional level, or in your normal behaviors and relationships, grief also has its physical effects, which are important to note. You might recognize that you may feel more tired than usual, have trouble eating or sleeping, or seem more susceptible to headaches and other illnesses. You might even notice that you have trouble concentrating and a low tolerance level. These types of symptoms can be explained because the part of the brain responsible for emotion and stress is activated during the grieving process, so normal brain functioning is interrupted. Grief can change brain chemicals and hormonal functioning, and your immune system can be compromised. All these symptoms are a sign to pay close attention to your health and take good care of yourself when you're grieving. Visit our website for a list of wellness resources that can help you take care of yourself (https://www.hcbmhas.org/wellness). If you are experiencing these kinds of symptoms for a period longer than 4 weeks, it may also be a good idea to see your health care provider to ensure that all is well and have added guidance during this difficult time. The important thing to remember during this time is that you are unique person. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. It may also be beneficial to seek grief counseling or join a grief support group (link at the end of article). Knowing that you are not alone and connecting with those who understand or are going through a similar situation can provide new perspectives, affirm that what you are going through is normal and offer much-needed support. Some additional reminders.... • Be gentle with yourself and protect yourself. • Don't do more than you want, and don't do anything that does not serve your soul and your loss. • Allow time for your feelings. • Don't keep feelings bottled up. If you have 500 tears to cry don't stop at 250. • Allow others to help. We all need help at certain times in our lives. • Pay extra attention to the children. Children are too often the forgotten grievers. Holidays are clearly some of the roughest terrains to navigate after a loss, however, they are part of the grieving journey that we must fully feel. It is very natural to feel you may never enjoy this time of year again and they will certainly never be the same as before your loved one's death. However, in time, most people are able to find meaning again in the traditions as a new form of the holiday spirit grows inside of them. Finding meaning in the loss is as unique as we are. Those who have experienced loss often say, "a part of us died with them", but finding meaning in the loss is also realizing a part of our loved one still lives within us. Nothing can change the fact that the holidays can be especially difficult while grieving. But if you acknowledge the difficult feeling and emotions, implement healthy coping mechanisms, and take care of yourself, may find that the holiday season may become bearable and although you may feel broken, you can find renewed strength and hope. Resources for Help If you or someone you know is in an emergency, call 911 immediately. If you are in crisis or are experiencing difficult or suicidal thoughts, you can call: • Huron County Crisis Hotline: 800-826-1306 • National Suicide Hotline:988 If you're uncomfortable talking on the phone, you can also text 4HOPE to 741-741 to be connected to a free, trained crisis counselor on the Crisis Text Line. For a list of local grief support groups visit https://www.hcbmhas.org/support-groups For a list of local treatment providers and support services visit: www.hcbmhas.org. https://grief.com/grief-the-holidays/ www.hospicefoundation.org https://www.mayoclinichealthsystem.org/hometown-health/speaking-of-health/grief-and-loss-throughout-the-holiday-season Ashley Morrow is Community Engagement & Resource Manager for the Huron County Board of Mental Health and Addiction Services.